Vampire SHeep: Revenge of the Vamps
by MEME94
Summary: This is a skit on twilight where i piont out what is wrong with twilight and also add in a crazy plot! Although you might be a 'twilightfan' it doesnt mean you cant appriciate whats actually wrong with the books. Please dont get mad for viocing an opinion
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Personally** **i think Stephanie Meyer is just an author who wrote the perfect teen-girls book, the style of writing is terrible and also i think she stole her idea's from other authors. However she is INCREDABLY smart to have come up with such a story that caused soooo much craziness over the last year, mainly.**

_hey everybody,_

_just want to say thanks for looking at my fanfic! its kind of extremely random... but i had a total (i know im going to get murdered for this, but anyhoo) I HATE TWILIGHT moment, so my friend ais- as in author of the book of white on fanfic... look her up at _**aiscat93 **_i full on cried when i read it... ok emarressing detail number 1!! anyway so i was all AAAAHHH twilight sucks, and ais, who agrees with me, was all like "be an entreponour" (that was spelt wrong but it means someone who doesnt sit around talking, they just act and do things. we're learnig about it in buisness!) and told me to do so, meanwhile i was playing with of her cute teddies (embarressing fact 2) and was all like- OMG this is a VAMPIRE SHEEP!!! he had red eyes and could fly... no joke. So, i christened him vampire sheep, and she was all like you should write a fanfic, because i was complementing her amazing BOOK OF WHITE (read it seriously, if you like city of bones/ashes/glass, you'll like it) and she said your good at writing too._

_silence._

_so i started to piss myself laughing at the thought and then was like... mhhh... wouldnt it be fun to rip everything out of twilight aswell as have a fanfic about VAMPIRE SHEEP??? no?? well it hink so, so here it is: the worst ever written fanfic like EVER!!! _

CHAPTER 1

Bella sighed; everything had turned out so perfectly. Firstly, she had gotten the happy ending that really only came to princesses in happily ever after stories, and now she wouldn't just put down the book... she would live it with her prince charming and beautiful baby girl. In thins happy ending were not only her one true love and baby, but her parents and bestfriend, which was really so unrealistic and kind of irritatingly fantastic. You see Bella was not a normal girl, oh no. She was a woman. But not just any woman- but the wife of EDWARD CULLEN (sigh), the incredibly hot guy who seemed to never age and was drop dead gorgeous! He was also the perfect husband, he used to watch her sleep all night- just like one of those stalkers in those old cop shows! Oh, it gets better, he was also one of those assholes who waved his cash in people's faces by going around town in a silver Volvo, which he had gotton because 'it's a fast car'. Fair enough, because if you didn't have superhero strength and couldn't move at the speed of a race car you NEEDED something to improvise in the quaint town of Forks where practically NO ONE lived. There was also one minor setback, well, he was a vampire, but that's fine, because when he got her pregnant, he was able to save her with venom! What girl wouldn't want that? One that didn't have EDWARD CULLEN obviously!

So she had evaded death because her sister Alice had saved the day. This annoyed Bella greatly, because she wanted to save Rennesme, as she was her mother, but whatever the time will come for Bella to prove her importance in the chlann! No longer will she be the damsel in distress, no she will save the whole family because she left her clutzy days behind her the day she gave birth (against her will- she never wanted to have the baby, but it gave her a better rep as the 'mommy' in the Cullen household.) Now she was the independent BEAUTIFUL and vampire that could kick the strongest vampires butts like the little wimps they are!

She smiled as her genius thoughts brought her to other perfect worlds where she got the perfect ending... which of course ruined any good story.

"This is sergeant Fluffy reporting for duty sir. Over" Barked the white thing, into his microphone.

"Sergeant, what is the update on the operation? Over." Responded his ear piece.

"The personnel in question are defiantly much more infected then we thought. Immediate assistance needed. We need to disarm and get rid of them. Over" There was a few static responses before the message came through.

"Received statement. Response team and Disarmament team will be sent immediately. Prepare for battle, sergeant. Over and out." Fluffy smiled, this would be fun.

Bella floated into her cottage and saw EDWARD CULLEN sitting on their broken bed, reading the book 'The City of Glass'. Bella could tell that if EDWARD CULLEN could he would be crying; his golden eyes shimmering like a thousand stars, at the emotion of the scene he was reading, his beautifully pouty lips silently mumbling the story to himself, and finally his copper tousled hair shimmering as though he used 'Herbal Essence' until the bottle ran out... well that didn't show his emotion, but it honestly did- it looked so silky soft... is only she could just touch it-

"Love, what are you doing, Love? Can't you see I'm like reading C.O.G. love, like seriously love, go away!" Bella pouted, but thought angrily 'How dare he speak to me like that? Normally he's doing everything possible to protect me without actually hurting or fighting or actually doing anything to stand up for himself!' She stood there for 10.6 more seconds, then took the book from his hands and sat down seductively on his lap.

"But I don't want to... I can think of something much more-"

"Give me the C.O.G. now!" she gave a tinkling little laugh

"oh sweetie... its just some stupid GARBAGE!!"

...

There was silence.

EDWARD CULLEN pushed her off his lap, picked up the book and walked into their teeny bathroom, walking with such a strut- you really only saw it on catwalks, then he locked the door and read the book on the loo.

"i could break down the door, you know" teased Bella, getting annoyed at the sudden change in EDWARD BULLEN'S personality.

Where was his slave-like behaviour to her?

Where was his complete and utter devotion to her?

What had happened to EDWARD CULLEN?

_So this was my very first chapter of my very first FANFIC, and i would absalutly love if you could in anyway review it!! also if you want to see what the GOOD critics of the trilight series said, go on to amazon and read the 1star ratings, it show you how 'WONDERFULL' twilight really is...... :P_

_X_


	2. Chapter 2

_Hi every one,_

_Just want to give you a heads up, there are a few spoilers for what happen in _**CITY OF BONES,**_ so please only read this chapter if you have read it or are planning on NEVER reading it- which would NOT be recommended because it is a FANTASTIC series and _**aiscat93 **_wrote a FANTASTIC fanfic on it... hint hint: READ HERS AND THE BOOKS!!!! _

_So anyway, this is a random chapter where we learn that all of EDWARD CULLEN's emotional issues, such as when he had an 'adrenalin rush' are explained. If you don't understand my terrible explanation in this chapter, I shall write an explanation at the bottom!_

_X_

CHAPTER 2

Bella spent the next few days plotting and questioning EDWARD CULLEN at any chance she got:

"ohhhh, honey I feel funny..." she sighed dramatically. She turned to EDWARD CULLEN but instead received a full force thump to the forehead as 'Nessie' panicked, fearing the worst had happened to her beloved mother.

She used her form of 'communication' to show the disgusting picture of Bella giving birth to her, where Bella was green and screaming, her belly swollen, and obviously a LOT of blood.

Bella was thankful that the smell of blood had stopped making her feel sick, it was just another one of those things that had made her flawless, a perfect character, a plastic.

But hello, EDWARD CULLEN had ignored this graphic detail, and instead was jabbering on about something to do with 'Clary' and some randomer being related...

BIG WHOOP.

She sighed and hoped that EDWARD CULLEN would get over this irritating phase, and go back to being over in love with her, like a stalker. She nudged him and again attempted to draw him back to the bedroom, where for the last few months they had been constantly going.

At least now they didn't need protection. But they had constantly been spending more time in that ugly, banjaxed bed then with their child, luckily her supposed best friend had started to copy EDWARD CULLEN and was soon stalking the little girl too! Which made everyone happy... or did it?

Rosaline was very irritated with this scheme, because although she didn't tell anyone, she was secretly head over heels in love with Jacob the best friend/ newbie stalker. And her only way of showing any form of affection was through violence and bullying- just like that girl in the NICKTOONS cartoon 'Hey Arnold'.

But now her secret crush was stolen by the evil and manipulative fingers of a toddler. God.

EDWARD CULLEN sighed happily he had just finished City of Bones', and boy was he loving it!! He had felt the pangs of love the moment he read about Jace, the sensation of reading about this... MANLY boy was just entrancing!

Everything about the guy made perfect sense: a goddamn sexy DEMON hunter, with his battle scars and tousled hair, oh!! EDWARD CULLEN moaned, 'why, oh why can't fictional characters be real?' he asked himself for the umpteenth time.

Sure he got himself his 'own personal batch of heroin' and sure the smell of the girl made him want to eat her... but the stress!! Seriously, Jace was just perfect in every sense of the word; he was never the damsel in distress, he was her saviour! He never cried or let down his cool, plus he was just sooo mysterious- it made EDWARD CULLENS mouth water!

But thankfully EDWARD CULLEN didn't need to worry about actually killing him! He could just enjoy re-reading the enticing and hot description of JACE!!!!

Fluffy was looking at the blue prints of the Cullen household.

He just didn't get it, why did vampire humans have to go and SHOW OFF there wealth! Seriously a grand piano? A kitchen? When where they EVER going to use that? Oh and whats with the cross? We're not in the middle ages!

This would be an easy attack though, the 'family' had NO security at all, and there were even a bunch of werewolves in the bushes! Seriously, this was like "Fairytale Park Central", wolves, vamps, evil vamps!! Seriously were there no other places fo them to 'hang out'??

He baa-ed out a laugh, hang out... because they're Vampires... and bats hang...

...

No, not funny- that's like a roaming in Rome joke!

Also he noticed that there house was literally one big room, no hiding spots! This just became easier and easier!

EDWARD CULLEN went out hunting on his own...

Bella followed him...

OBIOUSLY!

She followed him carefully in to the woods, not making a single sound, gliding like the angle she wasn't.

He stopped.

He let out a warrior holler, and continued to put his lips to his wrist. Bella let out an inaudible gasp. He was BITING HIMSELF!!!

_Yup, you've guessed it, EDWARD CULLEN is gay._

_Now you understand why good old Steph made him look quite feminine... because he liked his men big, macho and... MASCULINE!!! _

_I would like to point out that I am the furthest thing from a homophobe without actually being gay. So just to make it clear I AM NOT TRYING TO OFFEND PEOPLE HERE!! I'm just in love with jace and think EVERYONE should too._

_X_


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